The Zude Chronicles – by Jude Kincade
by BeastMaster1988
Summary: He's the one that changed everything… it felt like I was always looking in and never living my life that is until Gideon came. It's funny I ever got to a place where I could actually be the man I am today…when I met "Zero" it almost feels like I was a different person. Gideon showed me who I was. Not the self-loathing image of myself I had growing up.
1. Chapter 1

**Growing up as the son of Oscar Kincade**

I think it was Marcus Aurelius a Roman Emperor who was quoted saying "Your life is what your thoughts make of it." Looking back I can see the wisdom in that quote. I cannot help but wonder how my life would have turned out if different choices had been made but then I suppose if I altered something I wouldn't be the man I am today…and I certainly wouldn't imagine my life without him. He's the one that changed everything… it felt like I was always looking in and never living my life that is until Gideon came. It's funny I ever got to a place where I could actually be the man I am today…when I met "Zero" it almost feels like I was a different person. Gideon showed me who I was. Not the self-loathing image of myself I had growing up.

I remember my mother would always tell me that love is a gift. It's a gift of selfless giving…though to be anything fruitful it has to be reciprocated by the other. It's what gives meaning…a sense of purpose in our lives. My mom didn't have that with my father. She never really spoke much about him. I look back now and realize I think she wanted me to form my own opinion of him and not the one she had. But her choices certainly did impact the way I viewed him and the opinions I had of him as a child and certainly the ones I have of him as a man. Though, I resented my mom at the time. I had this image of my dad…the image that Hollywood would give of any wealthy person. I was supposed to be someone important or at least what I thought made a person important. I felt as if she took from me a life of privilege. I wanted to be one of those spoiled rich kids but seeing now how many of their lives turned out I really should call my mom and thank her. Money for many is a curse. It clouds the vision of what is real and what is an illusion but it took me a long time to find that out. It took me finding Gideon to understand what life was about.

I never had any relationship with my dad. My mom left him when she was pregnant. She never spoke of him except for a couple times. I know he cheated on her…extensively. He was verbally abusive and very deceitful (though she called it sneaky). I was very much my mom's son. I was totally her personality and thankfully I did not inherit my father's looks. I was and am very co-dependent. I am always concerned about what others think of me. I'm always one to despise controversy…I want to make everything right. I hate change. Security is very important to me. Perhaps because it was something I never thought I had growing up but looking back my mom did give it to me. I was just to caught-up in myself to see it. I wanted very much to be unnoticed…fearing I suppose rejection. But as a kid I really wanted to be like him. I wanted to be like Oscar Kincade. But you can't put an apple in a banana skin and call it a banana my mom would say. Though I really did want to be like him. I fantasized about having a relationship with him. I only saw him a couple times in my life and I felt like an inconvenience…an insignificant unimportant unwanted inconvenience.

All we ever got from Oscar was the money he gave my mom in the settlement of their divorce, which wasn't what she should have gotten but we lived well enough. My mom really didn't have to work. In truth we were comfortable. She couldn't be extravagant. She was tight with the wallet but we lived in a nice rambler in the burbs outside Minneapolis. After the divorce my mom wanted to be by her family so I never got to enjoy the sunshine of California but I wouldn't have changed anything looking back now. It was a great place to live. I do miss the seasons. The smell of autumn leaves…the first snow…the last snow. I miss the shirtless college boys running around the city lakes in the spring. Seasons teach us about the cycles of life, after winter always came spring. But I'm digressing here. I was saying what Oscar did for me…which was nothing. After I came of age the child support stopped and he never offered me anything after that. Though my mom had taken the monthly child support checks and put it away for me so it helped with schooling later on. I certainly didn't qualify for loans…they would always come back with how much my father was worth sorta thing. So I worked during college. Went to school at the U of M in Duluth…close enough to visit far enough that it wasn't that often. I did go to the Minneapolis campus for my master's degree. It was one of the only suggestions I ever got from Oscar. He viewed college was important and I wanted to please him so bad being the good little son that I wanted to be…so I went. He viewed it as important but he wouldn't pay for it and I never asked him too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sex baby…lets talk about you and me**

I wasn't technically a virgin before I met Zero but its how and what you describe being a virgin I suppose. I wasn't a compulsive self-absorbed sex addict like he was …though I sure hope he doesn't read this but seriously I only speak the truth. He was a man whore! HaHa I never lost my actual virginity until Zero. When I was 15 I had a thing with a neighbor kid who was my age. I never touched him…well, actually I did twice but that was in 5 years. He blew me and left. I always told myself I wasn't gay since we never kissed, I never did anything to him and we never had intercourse. He just serviced me up until he got the woman he was dating pregnant in college. We stopped after that. It wasn't spoken about but we both knew it was done. During college I had a couple guys I had met at parties but that was always when we were drunk and it was never repeated. I kept trying to tell myself I wasn't gay. But I had never dated women so it was getting hard to believe that deep down. The guys in my dorm viewed me as a-sexual. I was the harmless shy little Jude. Though I certainly had plenty of girls hit on me growing up. I was the shy quite type. I never got picked on. I spent much time just trying to not be seen. Funny looking back now I can remember boys in HS hitting on me one in particular his name was Jon. Damn he was beautiful to me. The way he'd smile at me. The last year in HS I remember he turned around in class looked me in the eyes and said, "I know you want me" and just flashed a smile. I went numb…probably had that deer in a headlight look going on. I denied it and spent the next several years beating my head realizing no straight guy would say that to another dude unless he was fishing for something. He wasn't popular and had no motive. He had always been really nice to me. Awww, the things we would have done different. Probably would have end up like Zero and been a man whore.

Being attractive was something that I was clueless too. Though seeing pics now of me back then I must say I was the hot little twink once. What I saw at the time was a skinny kid with no coordination. Not many friends…wound up time. Think you could have shoved a piece of coal up my ass and got a diamond. To me I was hardly an image of a man. I never held a hammer or changed my oil. The only thing rugged about me was mowing the grass and filling up my car with gas. But thinking my mom did that too I suppose that really isn't' a testimony to masculinity now is it.

In college I experimented a bit more…but was always super cautious. I never wanted to be out. I never wanted to be different then anyone else. Being a gay man to me was like being a chameleon. You have to adapt to your environment and make sure to always blend in. Only times I'd let my colors shine was late at night after the bars were closed and some dumb drunk football player was looking for a blow and go. Though now thinking back as a kid my best friend had a chameleon in 3rd grade. He brought it in for show and tell…was in the back aquarium in the room. We went back there half way through the day and all that was left was the tail hanging out of the frog's mouth. I think there might be a lesson in that to be learned.

In college to fit the chameleon image I took on a sex name. Something I used when I went to truck stops or sex shops late at night. My name was Scott…it was the name of a trainer at the gym I joined. When I joined I remember he gave me a tour. Asked me what my goals were and I pointed at a picture on the wall. He laughed…told me good luck with that one. Well, I wish he could see me now. Lets just say genetics kicked in during my mid 20's. I became compulsive at working out…trying to be the image the gay community viewed as attractive. It's funny. The bigger I got and still I was only able to see the skinny nothing in the mirror. I never could see myself the way others saw me. I mean I knew I was attractive, girls always told me that…but for some reason I dismissed that and just saw the flaws. It's something I still struggle with…it's something Gideon finds rather attractive. I remember Zero telling me when we first screwed around that he found it so hot that I was clueless at how sexy I was. I think he just liked the fact that I wasn't seeking out other guys and I practically worshipped him. Well, between you and me I still do. But we can't feed his ego too much…it would swell his heads. He's a cocky man as it is. Which is something I find hot. Confidence is sexy my friends…it's not how you look it's how you carry yourself. That's something I learned later on. Sometimes you have to be a peacock. You have to show off those colors and strut what nature gave you.

I have to go for now…but will be back. We'll get to the point of my story soon enough. Everything leads up to what I believe is my only reason for existing. I know that's not true…we have millions of people in the world we are compatible with and I don't buy into that soul mate destiny idea but when you find that one, if you are lucky enough to find that one…that one person who just fits you. You know, that one that you just makes you feel complete. It's like you were a half a person until they became part of you. Well, we will get to him later…for now I need to eat. I'm very hungry…Mr. Kincade needs some protein. HaHa


End file.
